A few days ago, my friend sent me this article about piracy on the high seas. This is an emerging issue that has befallen about 100 ships since January of this year. Can I be the first to say that…this is f**king ridiculous!?! This is not he 18th century, when the matchups were more understandable…with cannons, swords, planks, and ruthless pirates with cool names like Blackbeard and Jack Sparrow.* Not African refugees against enormous oil tankers. Nevertheless, I figured this was a minor news story that the media were over-reacting to, in afterglow of the first black president picking his cabinet and such. The next day, however, this gem proved me wrong. Then the following day this absurdity just blew me out of the water (bad choice of words?). Somalia…y’all definitely have some sort of problem.
...they don't make these in Africa...
I initially wondered where the navies of Great Britain and the United States** were, but figured that if we went so hard on Afghanistan and Iraq, we wouldn’t overlook OIL GETTING JACKED BY SOMALI PIRATES IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN. I must have not done enough research, but sure enough some jackass general was quoted as saying “This is not our problem”*** Oh really? When the World Trade Center gets eviscerated by Osama bin Laden, Iraq and Saddam Hussein became our problem. When a warship in the Gulf on Tonkin was bombed, Vietnam became our problem. But can I totally see how pirates stealing tankers full of oil, or cruise ships full of passengers, is NOT our problem. President Bush has to give the order to an awesome can of military whoop ass on these lowly Somali pirates; someone should tell him that they’re stealing our oil, and then using it to breed cyborg al Qaeda insurgents! What could be more important that that? A Saudi Arabian Prince (Saud al Faisal) said ““Piracy, like terrorism, is a disease which is against everybody, and everybody must address it together” Really? Is that the disease where I lack any remorse whatsoever but possess balls of steel to attack a 40 ton tanker, while I was in a speedboat stolen from the Miami Vice set.
Since we’re obviously not going to stop them, maybe we can ridicule them into behaving. Each news story is more ridiculous than the last. These motherf***ers are stealing everything. Oil, grain, people off of cruise ships…watch your ass America. I understand the fear of rifles and “shoulder-mounted” missiles…actually, no I don’t. Unless they’re sailing in a paper ship, rifles aren’t sinking shit, in order to sink the ship they’d need missiles. But sinking the ship would be counterintuitive, since the ship is their ransom. Are they merely talking their way onto the ships? Are they offering ancient African treasures? I am forced to conclude that these crews are not really gung-ho about their oil, their grain, their people, whatever. Maybe they want to take a ride on a cool 1980’s era speedboat. Now I can’t underestimate the gangster these Africans, but my knowledge of sea creatures tell me that if a big ass blue whale (or whale shark) decided to go for a swim in or around the speedboat, these pirates would be sunk. That, in my book, is not very gangster at all.
...no ships in this picture, just whales...
Do these acts of piracy happen at night? Can barely go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without turning on 3 lights, and even then, my aim is shoddy. You’re telling me that a group of “pirates” are prowling along the high seas in the pitch-black darkness with a f**king maglite and some guns? I’m sorry, this isn’t sad at all; it’s pretty damn hilarious.
*I know this is Disney’s creation, but still
**Not that you thought they would, but the only navy in Africa is in South Africa. That is about as helpful as having a bulletproof vest in New York, when you get shot in Boston.
***Not a direct quote
