The preceding title was brought to you courtesy of the fine folks at Google, more specifically Gmail. For the past couple years the general public has been slowly fed the sweet syrup of Google Mail. I will admit, I have suckled at the teat of this 1 gigabyte life-giver for over 4 years. I remember a time when we were all using Yahoo, MSN Hotmail, Aol mail and any kind of electronic mail.
ASIDE
Holy hell, I am currently watching the Republican National Convention, and Demo-turncoat-crat Joe Lieberman just came out of his face and said “God only made one John McCain”. Thanks jack-ass, there was only one me and you also, we’re all special. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. I would have been less shocked if he threw his dentures at the delegates…
END ASIDE
Ok..so back in the days of 100MB mail we all deleted like crazy and life was fine (until we deleted the number/address of that special someone – then life was decidedly not fine). Then Google blew our minds by offering us insane annals of space that we couldn’t possibly use up* Nothing says decadence and American might like having too much space on our Gmail accounts. Then they got a little to “big brother” on us. The helpful “links” that come up on the right side of the screen range from useless to outright offensive as this post details.
When one of the many emails from the Barack Obama campaign arrived in my inbox recently I perused it with my normal half-hearted interest and was about to move on to my next message when something caught my eye. Over in Gmail sidebar I noticed “Barack Obama as a Jaguar“ I felt vexed, flummoxed and all those fancy words, but I wasn’t about to click. I have gotten emails about a law school friend and links to becoming an ER tech populate the sidebar. I wonder if it is at all random or whether someone sits there and places these links just to mess with you.
This guy reads all my email?
Along with the help of “Young and Single Love to Mingle” I once tried to trick google into coming up with the most ridiculous stuff possible. Granted an inordinate amount of our emails have the word “black” in the title, so you know where this is going**.
I figured there are three types of sidebar links:
- Links that get you in trouble at work
- Links that get you in trouble with your significant other
- Links that outright offend
While reading over a Google chat, in which there was talk of superiors, no less than 3 links referenced firing or bullying your boss. And of course the random “BOSS Audio” which doesn’t exist. These have to be linked by the jerk at Google who hates his job, and want you to get fired as well.
Another email I received from a female friend and the links were all about romantic getaways, and singles sites*** I feel some spiteful female Google employee is attaching these because she found her techy boyfriend cheating on her with a Starbucks employee.
Being a black man, I don’t want to EVER get a link about ANY of the following things:
- watermelons
- basketballs
- crime statistics
- cheap gold jewelry
- ANYTHING about chicken, I don’t care how fresh, healthy or golden fried
- #1 Stunnas (or #2 stunnas)
- Lil’ Wayne
- Car stereos
- Any link that draws a metaphor between one of the greatest living black men of my time and a big cat
He couldn't be president
I wouldn’t know who puts these on the emails, probably, the same person who linked “Asian Nose Surgery” to an email about headhunting and the job market.
Damn Google, damn.
*I am currently waiting for Apple to follow suit and offer the 100 Yottabyte iPod. Where you can store larger files, like your dignity and pride, along with your music and photos. Yeah yottabyte..look it up
**If you don’t read a book
**Not your legitimate dating sites like Match and eHarmony, I mean the under the table kind. Where all the profiles are cut off and in choppy sentences because the other person was using the computer at public library just before closing. Where there aren’t even areas to put photos. Just “descriptions”.
