Green Dot Friend

What type of friend are you?  I coined this term with respect to Google’s ever-so-ubiquitous G-chat* I remember someone once asked me (after getting calls from me only after 9pm) “Why do you call me so late, am I not an ‘anytime minutes’ friend”  This got me to thinking…has a swelling wave of technology truly changed how we view, value and demarcate our friends?
Allow me to take us on a recklessly loose history on the value judgements of friendships.  Let’s say that in the early native land, some Native Indians wanted to get in touch with someone.  How big would their smoke signal be, 2 plumes, 3 plumes?  Did they have different amount of plumes for friends, family, and the seedy mistress?

...4 puffs...

In the days of colonial America, while people were pioneering and carving out the many territories of this great land, did they even have time to reach out to friends? And if they did, would they send a letter via the pony express or would they send carrier pigeons or carrier (whatever was the domesticated bird of that day)?  Did that depend on how strongly you felt about your friend?
How about all those times you called a friend and desparately hoped to get the answering machine, to avoid the conversation that you did not want to have?  Regardless of whether you actually had a meaningful conversation, your heart wasn’t into it, and you hated yourself  a little because of it.
Remember when T-Mobile first offered the “Fave 5”; a concept that was rather unique at first.  Unfortunately, thei marketing department couldn’t quit while they were ahead with the Dwayne Wade/Charles Barkley commercials.  Which quickly spiraled out of control from “kitchy” to nauseating.  All I remember about those commercials is how Barkley needed some NBA socks.

Hey T-Mobile, stinky old feet really don’t make me want to use your products…thanks

Back to the point though, I often times find myself sitting at work with my Gmail window open.  I instinctively click on it every few minutes or so, not because I have received any mail, but to check out the dots on the right side panel, we all know these dots:

GRAY:
Not signed on (a faux-gchatter, who only has an account because someone begged them to do it, and then accepted the invitation.  I am not happy with these folks)
RED:
Busy (which is usually bullshit, because I have never g-chatted a busy person and had them ignore me, but I truly detest that “this person is busy, you may be disturbing them”  You know what? F**K you Google, I’ll talk to whomever, whenever)
ORANGE:
Idle (pretty harmless)
GREEN:
Available!

I will often click on my Gmail window to see which friends are green.   There are few people that I will drop it all for to start any conversatio, Dirty Martini, et. al**.  These select few are my “green dot friends” folks who will always have funny stories, offer witty banter and keen advice, or just shoot the virtual shit.  These friends will never be too busy, and gladly talk to me while they’re “red”, and I forgive them the absurdity of being “red”.  It is these same friends who allow me to shut my Gchat window and return to meaningful work, when they have “gone Gray” , which is sort of like Sarah Palin going rogue, aside from the lack of class, grammar skills skewed ideology,  bad analogy.

...so green and so friendly...

My question is…who are your Green Dot Friends?

*I would give them the glory, but they already have enough money.

**You like that Latin right there?  Yeah you do.

***Appros Po of nothing.  If there is a movie about Hillary Clinton, Rebecca DeMornay must play her.  No arguments.

see...

...I told you...

Barack Obama as a Jaguar?

The preceding title was brought to you courtesy of the fine folks at Google, more specifically Gmail.  For the past couple years the general public has been slowly fed the sweet syrup of Google Mail.  I will admit, I have suckled at the teat of this 1 gigabyte life-giver for over 4 years.  I remember a time when we were all using Yahoo, MSN Hotmail, Aol mail and any kind of electronic mail.

ASIDE

Holy hell, I am currently watching the Republican National Convention, and Demo-turncoat-crat Joe Lieberman just came out of his face and said “God only made one John McCain”.  Thanks jack-ass, there was only one me and you also, we’re all special.  I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.  I would have been less shocked if he threw his dentures at the delegates…

END ASIDE

Ok..so back in the days of 100MB mail we all deleted like crazy and life was fine (until we deleted the number/address of that special someone – then life was decidedly not fine).  Then Google blew our minds by offering us insane annals of space that we couldn’t possibly use up*  Nothing says decadence and American might like having too much space on our Gmail accounts.  Then they got a little to “big brother” on us.  The helpful “links” that come up on the right side of the screen range from useless to outright offensive as this post details.

When one of the many emails from the Barack Obama campaign arrived in my inbox recently I perused it with my normal half-hearted interest and was about to move on to my next message when something caught my eye.  Over in Gmail sidebar I noticed “Barack Obama as a Jaguar“  I felt vexed, flummoxed and all those fancy words, but I wasn’t about to click.  I have gotten emails about a law school friend and links to becoming an ER tech populate the sidebar.    I wonder if it is at all random or whether someone sits there and places these links just to mess with you.

This guy reads all my email?

Along with the help of “Young and Single Love to Mingle” I once tried to trick google into coming up with the most ridiculous stuff possible.  Granted an inordinate amount of our emails have the word “black” in the title, so you know where this is going**.

I figured there are three types of sidebar links:

• Links that get you in trouble at work
• Links that get you in trouble with your significant other
• Links that outright offend

While reading over a Google chat, in which there was talk of superiors, no less than 3 links referenced firing or bullying your boss.  And of course the random “BOSS Audio”  which doesn’t exist.  These have to be linked by the jerk at Google who hates his job, and want you to get fired as well.

Another email I received from a female friend and the links were all about romantic getaways, and singles sites*** I feel some spiteful female Google employee is attaching these because she found her techy boyfriend cheating on her with a Starbucks employee.

Being a black man, I don’t want to EVER get a link about ANY of the following things:

• watermelons
• basketballs
• crime statistics
• cheap gold jewelry
• ANYTHING about chicken, I don’t care how fresh, healthy or golden fried
• #1 Stunnas (or #2 stunnas)
• Lil’ Wayne
• Car stereos
• Any link that draws a metaphor between one of the greatest living black men of my time and a big cat

He couldn't be president

I wouldn’t know who puts these on the emails, probably, the same person who linked “Asian Nose Surgery” to an email about headhunting and the job market.

Damn Google, damn.

*I am currently waiting for Apple to follow suit and offer the 100 Yottabyte iPod.  Where you can store larger files, like your dignity and pride, along with your music and photos.  Yeah yottabyte..look it up

**If you don’t read a book

**Not your legitimate dating sites like Match and eHarmony, I mean the under the table kind.  Where all the profiles are cut off and in choppy sentences because the other person was using the computer at public library just before closing.  Where there aren’t even areas to put photos.  Just “descriptions”.